[Children Shouting, Arguing]
[Door Closes]
Sanctuary.
How y'áll doing? You know, look.
I'm supposed to be a comedian, and I'm living in tragedy.
See, I'm taking care of my sister's kids...
you know, until she get out of rehab.
You know, they're my guests, but they act like they live here.
You know, guests are supposed to be polite.
Guests don't wanna be a bother.
I know what I'm talkin' about, 'cause, see, I'm the perfect guest.
You think about it, America. Every week you invite me into your home...
Uh, by the way, I wanna say, thank you.
I tell a few jokes and I'm out.
Total time: 21 minutes, tops!
But see, the point is, I don't overstay my welcome. See?
We got a saying in show business.
You always leave them wantin' more.
Now, those kids...
they don't leave me wantin' more.
Somebody been using my toothbrush.
Oh, that was Bryana.
Bryana has a toothbrush. Got Barney all on it.
Yes, well, she saw her Aunt Wanda brushing her teeth...
with the big people's toothbrush, so...
- [Groans] - What did you do?
I brushed my teeth with big people's brush.
And now I have big teeth. See?
She was so cute. I couldn't stop her.
Well, she wasn't gonna use mine.
Try soap. It's all right.
They think this is some kind of hotel...
and everything in it is complimentary.
Need soap? Try Bernie's. It's complimentary.
And why not use Bernie's dental floss.
It's provided for your convenience.
And last but not least, please feel free...
to use Bernie's toilet because it's sanitized for your protection.
- Ain't that... - [Jordan] Thanks, Uncle Bernie.
What?
- No, boy, don't flush it! - [Toilet Flushing]
[Screaming]
- [Door Closes] - [Whimpering]
You seen my Sports Action magazine?
You seen my Sports Action magazine, with the football play-off preview on the cover?
- My door was shut. - Have you seen it?
No.
I see you settling right on in. You making yourself right at home, huh, Nessa?
Got your pictures up. Look at that. Posters of Kobe Bryant.
- You like Kobe Bryant? - He's all right.
He's all right? Shoot. He's more than all right.
With them baby-like Jordan moves going...
Pearling. Ow! He lay the ball up. Boy, look at that. Bam!
I knew it! That's what you get when you try to fake out Bernie Mac.
You get schooled. Talkin' about I didn't see it.
Look at this. This was a collector's edition.
But does she care? Hell, no.
I don't get no "May I please?" Or "Can I borrow it?"
Everything complimentary, theirs for the taking.
This doesn't belong to her. Who does it belong to?
Me. Bernie Mac.
They think this is Hotel Bernie:
Where kids check in, but they don't check out.
Now you hold on, America. I wouldn't say kids were like cockroaches. I wouldn't do that.
But I'll just compare the two species, and you make the call.
First of all, both pests get into your food.
Who touched my Famous Amos?
- Both pests get under your feet. - [Cracking]
[Screaming]
[Whimpering]
Both scatter when you turn the lights on.
Ha! I got you with the goods! Yeah, yeah, I got you! I got you!
I knew y'áll... Stop touching my Famous Amos!
Yes, see, what we have here is an infestation of kids.
It's small, but if not careful...
those kids could spread all over the house.
But see, I'm lucky. Early detection is the key to containment.
Now, see, all I have to do now is just draw the line.
Okay, we're done with that. Now we're gonna move on to Marshmallow Puff.
Now, you see this, kids? Look. I'm gonna draw a new line.
See that? Look at that line right there. Now let me explain something to you.
You all can eat all the Marshmallow Puff you want down to this line.
When you get down to this line, Bernie Puff.
No more puff. That's enough puff. You done had enough puff.
You eat all the puff you want. After that, Bernie's puff.
Now, peanut butter, that's a little different.
Look at all the peanut butter you got. I don't care about peanut butter that much.
But when you get down to that line right there, it's Bernie's butter.
This yours. Below the line, Bernie's butter.
Now, let me explain this to you. This is kind of tricky. Root beer... a little different.
Bernie drinks all the root beer he wants until he gets to this line.
Below that line, I don't care no more because it loses its fizz.
And I really don't want it. So I don't care. You all can drink all ya want.
- Bernie, what are you doing? - I'm teaching the kids a new system.
Hey, above the line, kids. Below the line, off-limits.
- Bernie? - Yes?
- Can I talk to you? - Sure. Remember.
Above the line, kids. Below the line, off-limits. Say it.
- I can't believe you. - What?
Those kids are not your roommates.
I know that. Roommates pay rent.
All right. Is this the way you wanna play?
Like a child? Fine, let's play.
Until you start treating those kids like they're welcome here...
below this line, off-limits.
But that's Bernie Mac's puff.
Taking away what's below the belt, now that's below the belt.
It's extortion, I tell you, and I'm not havin' it.
You can't blackmail this black male.
Bernie Mac's strong. I can hold out.
You watch.
[Mockingly] Below this line... Okay.
Walk with me, Lord.
I've been doing a lot of thinking, America, and I've come to a revelation.
Those kids aren't my houseguests. They're my family.
And I think family should be treated like family.
[Clears Throat] I've solved the error of my ways.
I'm okay. You don't have to take this walk with me.
I got faith.
- I told you I could do it, baby. - You did good, baby.
- Mmm. - I got something for you.
You don't have to get the whole store.
Each of you all get one snack. One.
Therefore, everybody will have a snack they...
Snack, snack, snack, snack. What's wrong with y'áll?
You put this back. Put that back.
Ho, ho, ho, ho. Mascara, back.
"B," this is not a snack.
I'm gonna put juice in it.
You're not gonna put nothing in it. You're gonna put it back.
A telescope? Son, you got to be crazy. Put it back.
- But I need it. - You need it?
Son, I didn't appreciate the totality of your argument. I said put it back.
- But I wanna see stars. - You gonna see stars. Put it back.
- [Whines] - I don't know what's wrong with you kids.
Listen, we're not here to get toys or telescopes.
We're here to get snacks and snacks only. You understand that?
I just wanna be able to take you kids to the store without the risk...
of having a coronary infarction.
Is that asking too much?
See, your problem is you all don't know the value... Hi, baby... of a dollar.
But that's okay. Uncle Bernie's gonna teach you.
So therefore, I've decided to give you all an allowance.
Yea! We get money.
No, baby, you don't get money. You earn money by doing chores.
And at the end of the week, you all will receive $5.
You can buy whatever you wanna buy.
You don't have to ask me or Auntie Wanda for any money.
- Okay. - Come on. We got pizza.
Thanks, sweetheart. Pepperoni. Yeah.
Look here. You all gonna love this.
I have invented a chore wheel.
Look. See that?
See, Bry?
- It says I gotta do the dishes. - That's right. And you gotta empty out the trash.
- I'm allergic to dust. - Okay. You take the garbage can to the curb.
- Okay. - Uncle Bernie?
- Yes, baby? - What can I do?
You make the bed every morning. Now, listen up. This is very important.
And you promise to give me one of those pretty smiles every day.
- Can you do that for me? - I can do it.
Ah, now, hold on. You gotta save some for tomorrow. Okay?
Now give your dish to Vanessa so she can wash it. Come on. Come on now.
[Groans] This wheel is the dumbest thing I ever heard of.
Boy, it's gonna be all right.
We got a system. [Chuckles]
?? [Male Chorus]
?? [Continues]
?? [Ends]
Good job, baby. Twenty for you.
One, two, three, four, five for you.
Five for you.
What's wrong with you?
Ah, give me that. Here.
[Garbage Truck Engine Revving]
- Bernie. Bernie, get up. - Huh?
- The garbage truck is here. - So?
- So, no one took the cans out. - What?
Those doggone kids.
Jordan. Jordan.
- Why didn't you take the garbage out? - I don't know.
What you mean, you don't know?
That's how you get your allowance, son. Don't you want your allowance?
- I want mine. - [Bernie] Look at this room.
Like a pigsty in here.
And what is that smell?
What is this?
[Moans] Booty.
Let me see what else you all ain't done around here. Where that chore wheel?
- It got thrown out while we were cleaning. - You threw it out?
Yeah, we did all the stuff on the chore wheel.
Jordan, you did it once.
- You all supposed to do this every day. - You should have told us.
It's hard for me to tell you all anything right now.
I'm getting weak up in here from the smell.
Y'áll get up and start cleaning this room right now.
Don't make no doggone sense. Get up! Clean it up!
- Here. - No, no, no, no.
- Boy, what you mean, "no, no?" - No, no... Oh.
No, you didn't.
Uh-uh. You sit right there. Uh-uh.
Jordan, where'd you get this from?
I'm gonna ask you one more time. Where did you get this from?
- From you. - I didn't give you no money to buy this.
- Yes, you did. - When?
Did you say you wanted Preventil or the generic inhaler?
- What's the difference? - The generic's only $8.
Generic.
I can't believe you, Jordan. You little sneak.
Jordan, did you really?
Uh-oh.
This funny?
You're in big trouble, young man. I mean, big trouble.
- You can't punish him. - You watch and see if I don't.
You're just mad 'cause he played you.
Let me tell you something right now. The boy didn't play me.
He stole from me. Let's call it the way it is.
The boy stole. You sit right there until I figure out how to punish you.
You all, get out. Out.
I'm disappointed in you, Jordan.
Look here, America. You think I wanna punish the boy?
I don't wanna punish the boy, but I have to.
That child gotta learn right from wrong.
I'm gonna be honest with you. It's gonna hurt me a lot more...
than it's gonna hurt him.
All right, that's some bull. But you know what?
The punishment ball is rollin'. My hands are tied.
I don't know, Bernie. No TV for a month?
Aren't you coming down a little hard on him?
The boy stole from me, baby. What you propose I do?
I don't know. How would your father have punished you?
[Scoffs] My father? He'd probably use the nonconfrontational approach.
- Baby, I know it ain't working here. - Why not?
Because I'm not walking out on you and them kids.
What's done is done. I made my decision.
[Sighs]
That's right. Let it get good and cold. 'Cause you gonna finish every bite.
You could have given Jordan dessert before you sent him to his room.
The boy should have bought some cookies when he went on that spending spree.
- He did. - What'd you say?
- Nothing, warden. - You can go in the room and join him.
- Better than listening to you. - Don't walk away from me, Nessa.
Nessa!
Fine! You just keep right on walking.
You go right up in there with your brother and stay with him, Nessa.
I'm about sick of this. I'm glad this happened. Time for me and you to get it on.
Where's Jordan? Baby girl, find your brother...
and tell him I said get his skinny butt down here right now.
- Now, back to you. - I hate it here!
You ain't gotta stay here, Nessa. Nobody keepin' you.
You can leave. Matter of fact, I'll help you.
You know where you wanna go? Monte Carlo? Saint-Tropez?
You better pack real heavy 'cause I heard it gets real chilly down there.
I don't understand you kids. I give y'áll everything. That ain't enough. Y'áll want it all.
- Uncle Bernie? - What?
I can't find Jordan. I looked everywhere.
Baby, I looked in the cellar. He's not there.
Bernie, look. He left his medicine.
Uncle Bernie, is Jordan gone?
Nah, he's around, baby. He's around. We're gonna go look for him.
He's only been gone ten minutes. He can't be that far.
He... Come on. Come on.
Is this my fault?
Was I too hard on him?
Oh, Lord. What was I thinking, punishing the boy like that?
He can't live without TV. He's just a boy. He's just a child.
Why didn't you stop me, America? You know I don't know what I'm doing.
I'm new at this.
Don't worry about it, baby. We're gonna find him. I'll bet ya that.
If it take all night. Don't worry, baby. We're gonna find him.
- Vanessa, I need you to think of where your brother could be. - I don't know.
- Think, Nessa! Doggone, think! - Hey, I'm not the one who made him leave.
- He the one who stole! I didn't make him leave nowhere! - Stop it, you two.
- This isn't helping. - Right, Nessa, this ain't helping.
Sorry, guardian.
She called me a guardian. I deserve it.
The girl's right.
But I know one thing.
- I'll tell you later. I gotta go find that boy. - ?? [Soul]
- [No Audible Dialogue] - ?? [Man Singing]
[No Audible Dialogue]
?? [Continues]
[No Audible Dialogue]
?? [Fades]
I never, never meant for none of this to happen. You know that, baby.
You know that.
I love all you kids. I mean, every last...
If anything happen to one of y'áll, I'll die.
- There's something on the roof. - What?
Baby, it's Jordan! He's on the roof! Jordan!
- What's he holding? - Sweet Lord.
Jordan! I know Uncle Bernie's been hard on you, son...
but please, don't take it out on the neighborhood.
- Baby, that boy got a rifle. - It's a telescope.
What?
Jordan? Jordan?
Son? What you doin' up here?
- You had us worried sick about you. - I wanted to see it.
But I can't. I can't see it.
You can't see what?
The Sears Tower.
The Sears Tower? That's in Chicago.
I know. I wanted to see home.
- Home? - [Crying]
Oh, Jordan.
You wanna see your real home.
You miss your mom.
[Voice Cracking] How 'bout that?
All this time, I'm thinking how spoiled those kids are...
taking whatever they want.
Never realizing what they really want is to be back in the projects.
Isn't that the most stupid thing you ever heard?
Oh, those beautiful, stupid kids. I love 'em.
You know, Jordan...
I know sometime... you miss your mom.
- But your mom needs you to be here right now. - [Sniffles]
And I know sometimes, man...
I make you feel like you're in the way.
And that's wrong, Jordan.
Long as you're here, I want you to feel like you're at home.
'Cause, see, we family.
And family need to be at home. You understand?
Come on, son. Let's go inside.
Can I watch TV?
Yeah, you can watch TV. Why wouldn't you be able to watch TV?
Y'áll thought he had me, didn't you? [Chuckles]
You'll never know.
Be careful.
- Doggy, doggy, doggy. Doggy, doggy, doggy. - Ow.
- What's wrong? - It's cold.
It's ice cream.
- Stop it. - Duh.
Well, there you have it, America.
- I don't know what to say. - [Door Opens]
Oh, baby. What's that for?
- For finding my brother. - Ah, Nessa. Come here, baby.
I gotta go.
[Door Closes]
I ain't gonna never understand that child. Never.
No, boy, don't flush it! No, no!
- [Toilet Flushing] - [Screaming]
- [Toilet Flushing Repeatedly] - [Screaming]
- [Door Closes] - [Whimpers]
No, boy, don't flush it!
- [Toilet Flushing Repeatedly] - No! No! No!
[Screaming] What the...
[Whimpering]